My previous blog incarnate, Captain Blank, met with a premature demise. I suppose it is a result of the current pernicious, stygian-like conflict raging inside of me that brought me back to a blog. Escapism no longer carries weight for me. Rationalizing my flaws, spinning reality to fit my beliefs and feelings have proven to be fruitless. I am on the cusp of achieving a new echelon of existence. This blog is a medium to quell my lascivious side. So obtrusive are my prurient thoughts and desires, one of the ways to grow is through the therapy of writing. Writing by hand is naturally therapeutic. The next best is a blog. This time around I will not advertise the existence of this free-writing exploration as last time it devolved into a sort of avenue of fishing for praise. I wrote to impress. Surely irony pleads his case when one writes to impress in a blog entitled Internal Scorecard. As it stands, my prose is simplistic. At least to me. Reading articles in the New Yorker and general print media compels me to strive for a more refined written voice. I will employ an intricate vocabulary, as a voluminous lexical database can only help the conflicted soul.
Agent S, these are my goals:
Health (exercising, eating, mitigating destructive behaviors/thoughts, spiritualizing)
Knowledge (respect for academia, the arts, sciences and humanities)
Interpersonal (muting impulsive reaction, thinking before speaking, maintaining composure)
Actions (developing a respectable work ethic, standing behind my actions, promote healthy competition)
And, to speak in an ingenuous manner, I'm lost. My perceptions of life have become extreme. I strive to better myself, I hope to gain acceptance to advanced academic programs, and I long for a companion who I can feel an uninhibited, natural connection with. I will emancipate my mind via stimulating myself with new hobbies and interests. I will become the man I envision in my mind. If Lin can get a damn B.A in Economics from Harvard all while playing in the NBA, then I can sure as hell be successful in the avenues I chase. I will no longer judge--I think that has had the most detrimental impact on my life. Hailing from a family that is quick to offer opinions on virtually everything, I have become disgusted by it. Who is to judge that hot girl or another's failings? Who is to say what people can or cannot do? Nobody has that power. Nobody knows the story of their fellow brother. I suspend judgement from here on out. Next time I post I will be slightly closer to my goals.
